This week the poignant feature in The New York Times, “What Loss Looks Like: Times Readers Share Artifacts of Remembrance,” made me evaluate whether it’s helpful or harmful for me to advise people to focus on memories instead of things, especially in a time of such global, catastrophic loss.

When the item itself could serve as the shining key to your memories, as a heavy totem of your grief and love, is it fair to suggest that people shouldn’t cling to those items?

Yes. Because it all comes down to how you, the grieving recipient, feel about the item being passed on to you.

The Items Left Behind

Like the grieving friends and family members in the story, I too have items that belonged to dearly departed loved ones. Those trinkets and often mundane keepsakes, like an well-worn handkerchief, are special reminders that are imbued with my loved one’s personality, likes, humor, or a special moment we shared.

When my loved ones passed, however, there were countless more items that conveyed none of that magic. Worse, there were items that had a negative emotional resonance and were unpleasant to be around. There was no reason to keep those items lacking that positive, special spark, which is why we gifted, donated, sold, or disposed of the rest.

“Tradition” Does Not Mean “Right for You”

It’s common practice in many cultures to bequeath items to the remaining members of the family or community. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this. The challenge is when that practice is continued for generations and no one practices the art of curation.

Over time, the “one precious item” passed down from Great-Great-Great-Great Aunt Maude has become 600 more items. That’s because Maude wasn’t the only one in the family to realize you can’t take it with you and that the next best thing is to hand it off to the folks left standing. As this continues, each subsequent generation bears a heavier and heavier burden of responsibility for preserving the family’s prized possessions.

A Universal Tendency

When I first got my Wild Unknown Archetypes Deck and Guidebook, I pulled a card to show the main archetype that I should contemplate and with which I should more deeply work.

I got the Medallion.

Of course.

OF COURSE.

It’s only natural that the Medallion should be my archetype. It is the one card in the whole deck that, on the one hand, relates to preserving heirlooms as a way of “upholding tradition, protecting, honoring” or, on the other hand, represents a practice that is merely habitual or even burdensome for the recipient.

As I wrote about in my Buried Secrets post, those burdens can include the emotional trauma when carefully hidden secrets and lies are exposed.

How to Deal with Items Passed Down by Loved Ones

• Give yourself time to decide. Allow yourself at least a few days, preferably longer, to grieve before you start making big decisions, if possible.
  • This is especially important if you’re someone who struggles with hoarding tendencies. Remove the impulse decision-making aspect, but don’t put it off indefinitely either.
• Hold or spend time with the object. What’s your immediate gut reaction to it? (Note I didn’t say your first “I should” reaction.)
  • How would you complete the following sentence?: “Keeping this object makes me feel…”
  • If your first instinct is something negative or if you get a heavy feeling of obligation (not one of natural sadness because the item belongs to someone you loved who passed away), don’t keep it.
  • Don’t let anyone pressure you into taking the item, either. They aren’t the ones who would have to deal with emotionally and physically sharing space with an object that depresses them.
• Allow yourself space to change your mind. Just because you accepted an item once doesn’t mean you’re eternally bound to it.
• Remember that Things Can Be Different. And if you’d like some more support from groups or professionals, find those details on the Hoarding & Mental Health Resources page

Hope and joy,

Rachel